I rot in this black hole,
Look out at the black night,
Living with my black soul,
Loved you with all my might,
All directions I'm pulled,
Everyday I must fight,
The blackness is so cold,
No lights ever seem bright,
Nothing's shiny as gold,
All black; there is no light
With Lucifer you're lulled,
You forget wrong from right,
Evil sayings you're told,
Out of mind, out of sight,
I can't do i; I fold,
I can't handle this plight.
02/04/2012
Written and Copyrighted by Mike DeLoe
Mike -
ReplyDeleteOut of darkness births the brightest of light. Your poem speaks of the darkness - I live the darkness when I search my memories. I ache and hurt from residual pain of childhood trauma that stays in my mind like a tape on rewind. I ooze compassion for anyone who suffers being locked up because of the abuse inflicted by someone they love and care about. You are in prison. I am and always will be in my own kind of prison. Not making light of you not having your freedom. Because what happen to you was wrong. What happened to me was wrong, too. We never expect the people we cherish, trust and love to inflict so much unbearable pain on us when all we wanted was to love and be loved. To be trusted and accepted. And then we get to watch them continue to live their lives with clear conscience that what they did was OK. What they have done is acceptable on some evil level to them. To steal pieces of our trusting souls and then toss us away like trash because they haven't the capacity to love or to care.
I have been blessed with 10 years of therapy and feel well once again. Actually, as normal as one can be despite having anxiety, ptsd and panic disorder. I have amazing coping skills and reach to God for strength. I found Marianne Williamson and her book Return to Love, the best message to help me learn to quit blaming myself and to really, really believe I am worth loving. That God doesn't create jun. I never felt loved or worthwhile perhaps because my value came from my ability. It wasn't about my essence. But all this to say that without the journey I have taken I would never be the person I am today. I wouldn't change it now. I am stronger for it. More compassionate, understanding and loving for it. And I love being a mother - which I never imagined I would ever be. Life can be good. You take what you are given and make it extraordinary despite the agony and pain. Know this - that nothing - absolutely NOTHING is perfect for me at any given moment. Sometimes it feels like torture. And sometimes I lie in bed and wish that I wouldn't wake up. I try not to feel the depths of that pain, otherwise it would definitely take me down. I breathe in love and breathe out fear. And I try hard to reach out of myself and give to others. Pay it forward. Because I am lucky to be alive for all the times my mother tried to kill me. I am lucky to be alive.
You will have a beautiful life Mike. I know that. You are surrounded by a family of origin that loves you and advocates unendingly for you. I never had that and long for that love and connection in my very being. You will be free. And when you are, your heart will one day open to accept the love you really deserve.
I caught myself holding my daughter the other night. She finally was asleep and I began to cry. The tears were all about me wishing someone would have loved me that deeply as a child. And sometimes I feel that way as an adult. To trust and be hurt so deeply that someone would wish you to be in prison because they simply loathe you would not only hurt. But would make you wonder how you could ever trust or love again. Just know you can and you will. And when you do, it will be someone special. We do better when we know better. And both you and I have had to learn the lessons of life by being hurt terribly by people we believed loved us.
I am hear for you and am happy to listen, to write... know that despite not really knowing you, we share the painful loss of natural trust that should come through love in our most intimate relationships. Keep writing. It is very healing; And thank you for sharing your feelings. I send you
warm regards... xox